what if i had
in spite of everything to the contrary
what if i had succeeded
and made something of myself
would life be this way with me now

struggling through the day to day
wondering about the past
and the people i've lost along the way
to nothing more than insecurity
and inexperience

i could have given up
lost you before i began
and never known what it felt like to fight
and win

thank you
for your unshakeable love
and support beyond what i deserved
for dragging me through the doubt
and shoving me back into the power that i tried to ignore

you are my anchor
the twin spirit made for my soul
had i been stronger
i could have saved us both

as it stands
i look to you
reach out my hand
holding out my heart
trusting in your ability
to protect us both

what part of you holds me
traps me here in a constant reminiscing of the past
how could i have become unhinged
resting comfortably
in so many pieces
waiting
for you put us back together

i remember you
warm and inviting
all the while i was held captive in a place of darkness
where cold and ignorance
are encouraged and propogated
into every fiber of your soul

you've made it impossible to exist
outside of this
separated from the rest of the world
securely inside of a love that ignores the rules of others
and transcends this life
and its shallow insecurities

you are in my every breath
tugging constantly at the edges of my thoughts
reminding me of your promise
and our untouchable
existence

i knew
i knew at some point
that my heart would have to release you
and i shattered
but i understood
because i saw your destination

and i knew
i knew you would have to leave
your journey deviated from our path
and everything else in my life
had prepared me
for letting you go

that didn't make it any easier
it didn't lessen the sting
maybe softened the blow
by much less than half

you know what you do to me
you know this heartache
this dance
this imprint of souls

it's a choice we had no say in
it's a story we didn't write
but it's a sacrifice i've been conditioned to make

so i lay you down
in a memory of peace
i lay you down
in a dream of what could be

i lay you down
because i know you need to be
i lay you down
inside of me

we're experts, aren't we?
somehow eloquent with words
but fools with chances
and time

i wonder if we missed it
an epic opportunity
overlooked like a stranger in an ever changing crowd
slipping past
without the recognition it deserved

someone noticed
made a life altering decision to clue us in
and leave us drowning in questions
in whys
in a storm of raw emotion that gave birth to a trust
only you could wrap your mind around

and now we're orphans
tossed aside with so much misunderstanding
guarding out of fear
the inability of others to open their minds
to witness us
and the transcendent love that fills every in-between

such things are never without sacrifice
distance
pain
the impossible task of living without the other
and the soul's unending ache to be nearer its twin
always
underneath it all

to say i love you is inadequate
to say i need you is closer to some representation of truth
to say that i grow weak from struggling to maintain some semblance of peace without you
is an unfair burden on your already wearied mind

we know this dance...

no matter where these lives have taken us
my heart has always found you
i send myself with you again, my love
so that it can
once again
lead you home

whatever else you may have heard
one thing was said that will always be true
i was more myself with you than at any other time in my life
and although the honesty of it back then was clear
recent circumstances have magnified its meaning

to have lived inside that space of time
when you expected nothing of me
except for a raw existence of emotion and experience
was exquisite in its simplicity
marred however slightly with the awareness that you can do that for me
and the nagging belief
that much of my happiness relied upon the not-knowing of such things

because the knowledge has melted into an inescapable force
a pull towards you that cannot be ignored
and as such is unacceptable
all of this compounded by the fact that there is no logical explanation
not for the changes
or the reasons why
not for the fact that a look from you can still shatter me
if for no other reason than to remind me that it was real

my heart misses your laughter
and
having not had you to hold me up
for so long
i've lost the courage to tell it
you're gone

little did i know
you were the strength i needed
to help me forget
us

it was insufficient to say
"i love you"
then

it's even less accurate
to say
"i need you"
now

but as long as it's taken me
to disentangle
myself
from you
and the mad life
(love)
we created...

wouldn't i be a fool to come to you
again
today
without any resolve
or boundaries
or protection
against your disarming smile?

the part of you that lingers
on my skin
long after you're gone
the scent i find
in that feather-soft spot
between your chin
and your shoulder
triggers a flood
and you watch
smiling
as my defenses
are swept away
because you've found
your key
my weakness

memory

the inability of time
to erase you
from my mind

you used to look at me
and see something
your smile used to reach your
eyes
and we are both to blame
what happened
where did we go
i thought, with you,
i'd never be lost again
you used to
i used to
it used to be us
you and me
now it's just me and you
in the same general vicinity
dancing around
dodging ghosts
hoping not to run into
any
more
pain

if only i were transparent
so you could have a clear view of what neglect
does
to a woman
it is a time bomb
filled with shards of contempt
and loneliness
patient
silent
and immesurable in magnitude

i have done my share of crying
made as many compromises as i dare
without becoming unrecognizable
to myself
and yet you demand sacrifice
more
a deeper devotion
without the promise
without the hope
of anything in return

i lived and breathed you
twisted our lives together
into a radiant work of art
and made it nearly impossible
to differentiate me
from you
at all

i have dug my own grave
quietly tolerated the fatal blows of indifference
and allowed you to take me
for granted

it was difficult to deny the whisper
of your voice
that night
in my ear
captivating and unanticipated
and
like a train wreck
i found myself unable to look away

the memory of how i found you
and lost you
in the span of a single
heartbest
refused to rest
and made you impossible
to forget

now
painted with the blood of regret
i harbor a stain
a scar
stark in contrast
and filled with morbid curiosity
the undeniable impression
of you
burned into
my skin

you
have mastered the art of nonchalance
pinpointed the exact meaning of indifference
and driven it home
immersed in emptiness so deep
i lost sight of the surface
and the fading comfort of your smile
i was paralyzed
by the notion of life outside your existence
and so clung to the ridiculous hope
that i could obtain enough importance
to become
indispensible

i'm losing it
my memory of you
the lines of your face are fading
it's getting harder
to distinguish between the sky
and the absolute blue of your eyes
other hands are erasing your touch
covering me in a new skin
a new threshold for pain
my dreams
drag you further and further away
and reality holds me back
keeps me from following you
finding you
again

Came across this entry from looooooong ago. Loved re-reading it and wanted to see if anyone remembered who (which number) they were. Let me know!!!


1) I am frightened for you and this new, but very exciting journey you're about to embark on. My fear is outweighed only by my happiness that you have found this path, AND the courage and strength to follow it. You are amazing.

2) You are an enigma. I doubt anyone has truly figured you out, although it is certainly fun to try. I would like to see you think. Yes, I'd like to be a bug on your wall.

3) The fact that I have you in my life at all is nothing short of a miracle. Either that, or a very interesting twist of fate. I can't decide which. You have more drive and determination than most people I have ever known. There are so many things about yourself that you overlook. I know the people in your life are proud of you and all you have done in such a short lifetime (thus far). You would do well to remember that.

4) You are my quote nazi, my lyrical genius. You reveal things through words and poems that give life to the anguish and joy that come with being in love. I hope love finally finds peace with you.

5) I realize I know little about you, but what I have seen of your mind and your eagerness to live life is beautiful and exciting. The people who are lucky enough to see and speak with you every day must, I hope, consider themselves very lucky. I love the hunger you possess for knowledge and happiness.

6) There was a time when all I could do was wish to know you. Now I do. And the novelty refuses to wear off. You amuse me, intrigue me, and bring wonderful experiences to my life. The only regret I have is not getting to know you thoroughly beofre I had to leave Cincinnati. Your impact on my life will, I'm sure, never fade. Believe in yourself. I do.

7) You are BY FAR the most outrageous, most entertaining person I have met in a very, very long time. I eagerly await your writing and the outstanding things that come out of your mouth. You have single-handedly forced me to abandon the few ounces of squeemish nature I ever possessed. Had you not, I couldn't have ever held a conversation with you. Never stop running at your opportunities....go full speed.

8) The more I communicate with you, the more I am convinced that you'll be an incredible friend. It would be fantastic to have an ally so close by. Hopefully, life/time will make that possible soon.

9) You are my twin. I hope you haven't forgotten. If I were stuck in a room with only you for the rest of my life I would know that I was with a person who truly understood the kind of pain I've gone through, and who would be comfortable sitting in silence. I'm sad that we seem to have lost touch. I'd be lucky if life found it necessary to put you in my path again.

10) It would be truly hard to explain all you have meant to me these past few years. I wish life were less harsh with you. We are all breakable, and you help me to remember that. I only wish the reflection you saw int he mirror showed you all of the triumphs I know you have achieved, and only those failures on which you can now look and realize were necessary for you to have come this far. Give yourself more credit, less criticism.

11) All of my attempts to truly contact you or get to know you have failed thusfar. However, I'm very happy life has finally decided throw an abundance of smiles your way. I love your desire to be yourself, no matter what anyone else thinks. And, I won't give up.

12) I can honestly say I don't understand why you do some of the things you do. But, you have never failed to make me smile, and you were a good friend at a few choice times when I felt very alone in many ways. your work ethic astounds me. And I will never stop trying to understand. Plus...I've seen your boobs!

13) Your passion and enthusiasm are unparalleled in my circle of friends. I am fascinated by your willingness and desire to challenge ideas and rules and blindly accepted truths. I would want to be near you in the simple hope that some of your exhiliration would rub off on me. I have no doubt that very soon that world is going to sit up and take great notice of people like you.

14) The beauty of your mind and spirit is, in a word, indescribable. I love the fact that I don't feel the need to talk much around you, I can almost read your mind. Unfortunately, I haven't seen much of your genius lately, but I know that's because you are busy gorging yourself on experience, life, and people. I have no doubt that unique and wonderous things will come from you.

15) You are the definition of a true friend. The begining of my time with you was confusing, hard, and probalby exactly what I needed. you have never failed me....whether you were simply listening, or giving me a much needed push in the right direction. I am humbled by your completely selfless nature. I would lay down in traffic for you, do whatever it takes to make this friendship last a lifetime. Never underestimate yourself. Never doubt your judgement of character. I love you and adore you in many ways. Thank you.

16) I love your desire to live life without boundaries. I see how much you care for your friends and your desire to bring joy wherever you go. Sometimes I think you take yourself too seriously, but I suppose we all do. I wish for you to find peace with whatever you are fighting.

17) The story of your life is so rich. I am constantly encouraged and strengthened by the knowledge of all that you have overcome. I admit there are times when my understanding of you has failed or come up short, but your unwavering love has been my rock on more than one occasion. Sometimes I think you alone see through my defenses. I am blessed to have you in my life. I can only hope that through our friendship, you find more faith in yourself. I can't wait to see what's next.

18) The only thing I can honestly say about you is that I don't have much to say. I know you only through other people, but in those people I can see what kind of effect you have. Please believe that, from what I have seen, your strength is an obvious comfort to your friends, as well as a source of happiness.

19) I hate that distance keeps you so far from your friends and people who love you. I love that I had the chance to witness your beauty and humor firsthand.

20) The impact you have had on my life is absolutely incredible. You are at the top of a very short list of people who have my trust and respect. I am constantly surprised, amazed, and entertained by you. You are one of the few amazing people who can take the worst life can throw at a person, and come through it with laughter and tenacity. You are truly unique and I am so, SO proud of you. Never, never lose that joy...that refusal to "settle". Anything you want can be yours. Of all my friends I think I would most want to be like you. I love you in so many ways.

So, who's who?? :)

Angel - the diva. You dress to impress, you love
enough to move mountains, and you do it all
knowing that your mortality is right around the
corner. You are loved because you are strong.


Which RENT Character Are YOU?
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i will be in dayton/cincy from tomorrow (monday) morning until thursday morning....come play with me!! email me here and/or call amber, bj, or mel. see you soon!!!

i'm not sure if you know...sometimes it's hard to decipher it myself...and the results don't always favor the side of sanity...it's not smart...it's not logical...and it's definitely not what i expected...but here it is...here i am...there you are...and we are trapped in a web of indecision...naked...and uninformed...and i cringe as you stand there...sharpening your wit...with the power to weild me...and take me...and make me fit the mold...before i could move to resist.

emptiness
grows like wildfire
and consumes just as quickly
a disease
born of emotion and loss
in their most basic form
it is the absence of
life
of the palpable presence of love
the cold and shadowy place
where lies and betrayal
have waged the ultimate war

sometimes you're the only thing that lights me up
that sweet sweet smile
and your velvet voice
music
pouring out of you like honey
gently warmed by the sun
brushing over the bruises i guess i failed to hide
and i'm waiting
to split open from the inside out
and show you what you've done

one inch of opportunity
barely big enough for the wind
and yet you slipped in
quiet and unseen
kneeling gently at the edge of my dreams
touching fingertips to the shiny,
liquid surface of memory
watching ripples of you crawl slowly towards the shore

it's as if reality splintered
sparking a storm
a holocaust against my hard earned peace of mind
and the miracle of your voice
in my ear
is hard to conjure after years of silence
the lifetimes of questions without answers
tears without solace
left a heart
bleeding ever so slowly
towards defeat

you are still a shade of grey in my shadow
unshakeable
and undeniably
my
last
tragic
loss

1. Where did we meet:
2. Take a stab at my middle name:
3. How long have you known me:
4. When is the last time we saw each other:
5. Do I smoke:
6. Do I believe in God:
7. When you first saw me what was your impression:
8. My age:
9. Birthday:
10. Color hair:
11. Color eyes:
12. Do I have any siblings:
13. Have you ever been jealous of me:
14. What's one of my favorite things to do outdoors:
15. What's one of my fav. things to do indoor:
16. Do you remember one of the 1st things I said to you:
17. What's my favorite type of music:
18. What is the best feature about me:
19. Am I shy or outgoing:
20. Would you say I am funny ha ha or funny sarcastic:
21. Am I a rebel or do I follow all the rules:
22. Would you consider me a friend, an acquaintance, or a good friend:
23. Would you call me preppy, slutty, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else:
24. Have you ever seen me cry:
25. If there were one good nickname for me what would it be:
26. Are my parents still together:
27. If I had broccoli stuck in my teeth would you tell me:
28. Do I drink and/or do drugs:
29. What is my worst fear:
30. Are you going to post this and see what I say about you:
31. Do you think I'm pretty: